My name is Juliette. I’m a husky. I am the lead dog on the team that Hugo, our musher, takes to the Iditarod race up in Alaska in March.

Lotta people would say I’m a bossy chick. Well, yeah. Can’t really be a good lead dog and not be bossy. I got an example. Gaston and Celine. He’s a big strong dude even though he’s still a puppy. Boy can pull a sled. Celine is petite and sort of prissy. Way too often Gaston forgets he’s not supposed to take a crap where she sleeps. When he does, she growls at him for an hour. Scares the hell out of him. So I gotta sit both of them down and give them a lecture about how we are a team and we gotta get along.

Or Hugo. He’s a good guy, and we get along real well. But sometimes that man doesn’t use common sense. Like the new food he’s been buying. He read it about it in some fancy dog magazine. Stuff tastes like birch bark. So I gotta sit him down, too.

Anyway, here in Québec, the end of June we make a big deal about St. Jean Le Baptiste. There’s this parade in our village near Lac Boudreaux. You ask me, it’s silly, but the people love it when we march in it. We trot by, they yell and scream like the Canadiens just won the Stanley Cup. So anyway after the last parade Hugo says to me, “Juliette, sweetheart, I got this idea maybe you and me take a little vacation down in Maine?”

“You don’t wanta take the rest of the dogs?”

“No, no, that would not be good. Those U.S. Customs tight asses at the border. They would have a fit.”

“What about my boyfriend, Albert?”

“That big goddam St. Bernard? The one that hates me?”

“Hugo, Albert does not hate you. He’s just a little jealous.”

“A little jealous? No, Juliette, I would say he is a lot jealous. Last time he come over here to the camp, dude bites me on the ass so hard I still gotta be careful how I sit down.”

“Yes, that was not good, and I have spoken to Albert about that. I have told him, he bites you again, he and I are through.”

“Yeah, what’d he say to that!”

“Didn’t say nothing. Just lay down with his head between his paws and whined for ten minutes. Was pitiful. Had to tell him to stop acting like a baby.”

“Okay. But he’s gotta ride in the back of the truck. He’s not sitting in the cab with you and me.”

“Hugo, your farts are bad enough. With both of you up there, I’d die of … What’s that word?”

“Asphyxiation?”

“Yeah, that one.”

Well, we didn’t have a problem crossing the border into Maine. In fact, the customs lady at the booth said she thought Albert and I were adorable. Then Hugo starts flirting with her and I gotta tell him to get moving. We got people behind us honking their horns.

Now we’re looking at a long drive down to Camden. Albert is doing okay in the back of the truck. So, I’m thinking, maybe now is a good time to bring up something that is a little sensitive:

“Hugo, I worry about you. I’m always hoping you’re gonna find the right girl and get yourself married. It would take a load off my mind because …”

Now he’s staring at me instead of the big tractor trailer right in front of us.

“Hugo, the road … thing is, you go out with all these different women. I can’t keep ’em straight. But when it comes right down to it, I’m the only girl you really open up to. You tell me what’s in your heart. You don’t play games with me.”

He reached over and pulled me close to him and kissed me on the top of my head. “You’re right. You’re my best girl. No way I can tell you how much you mean to me.”

For the next few minutes I licked the tears off his handsome face.

Few days later the three of us are having breakfast at a picnic table at this motel. Nice place. Not snooty like those ones that don’t allow dogs. Hugo says we should all three of us take a hike in Camden State Park. I twist my head and give him a little whine.

“What?”

“Hugo, let’s be honest here. You and Albert are a little on the hefty side. It’s hot today. You know what I’m saying?”

“Ah, we’ll be fine. Right Albert?” Albert let’s out a big bark and starts jumping up and down. Yeah, really.

“Okay, okay. But let’s not try to set any speed records.” If you’re a woman, you know the look they give me: “Of course not. Why would you even think such a thing?”

When we drive up to the park gate to pay, this old guy with a beard smiles and says something to Hugo. I can tell he doesn’t understand the man’s accent. I whisper, “It’s four bucks for you, nothing for Albert and me, but you gotta keep us on a leash.” Hugo smiles back and starts to give the guy five dollars Canadian. I snap it out of his hand and bark at him.

After the old guy takes the American bill and gives back the change, he says, “That’s one smart little doggy you got there, fella.”

Hugo smiles at the guy and pulls out.

“What’d he say?”

“Just drive us to the parking lot.”

That thing about the leash? Nobody does that. A leash on a steep climb? Stupid. Just gonna cause somebody to trip and break something. So when we get to the trail head, I have a little chat with my boys.

“Gentlemen, I’m gonna trot up to the summit where they’re supposed to have the great view. I’ll meet you up there. Take it slow. Don’t try to keep up with me. You got the big canteen with the cold water?”

“Ah … “

“Of course not. You left it in the back of the truck. Albert, go get it.”

He starts whining, “How come I gotta get it?”

“Go!”

Hugo’s trying not to laugh.

“I should tell him to bite you in the ass again.”

As I start scampering up to the top, I’m worrying about how much trouble those two can get into while I’m not there. Too bad. I’m not their mother.

Well, the trail is beautiful, and about half-way up there’s this little pool in a stream. I plop myself down into it. Nice. Like a spa, except you don’t gotta share it with a bunch of yakky women, and it’s free. Then I make my way to the top where there’s these big rocks looking out onto the bay. Fantastic view. Plus there are all these people making a big fuss over me.

“Oh, isn’t she beautiful? Sweetheart are you lost?”

“Mommy, can I pet her?”

“Ralph, give her some of that roast beef sandwich. She looks starved. And give her some water, too.”

This is good. And I’m playing it for all it’s worth. Giving them the sad eyes. Rolling over on my back so they can rub my tummy. And then It dawns on me. Where the hell are those two clowns? They should be up here by now. So I bark out a thank you to the nice people and head back down the trail.

So I’m running and I’m running and I don’t see ’em. What the hell is going on here? Finally, I get down to that stream where I took a dip, and there they are. Except it’s not just them. Hugo is sitting on a rock next to this hot looking babe. The two of them are talking in French. And my boyfriend, well he’s snuggled up to this poodle looks like she belongs in a fashion magazine.

How am I gonna handle this situation? The thing is, they don’t know I’m right above them watching all this stuff. You’d think Albert and the poodle, being dogs, would have smelled me. I guess they’re so busy smelling each other my scent doesn’t break through the infatuation barrier. I don’t care. I just take a running leap into the pool. Big splash. Tsunami big.

It was fantastic. The hot babe – turns out she’s French French, not Quebec French – starts screaming because her fancy makeup is running and her skimpy shorts and shirt are soaked. The poodle is barking up a storm louder than the babe’s screaming. And Albert and Hugo? They’re standing there with their mouths wide open. Me, I’m lying in the pool panting away with a look that says, “Hi boys. You gonna introduce me to your new friends?”

As you might imagine, the French lady and the poodle stomp off in a huff. Inside, I’m laughing my ass off. But I give my boys a nasty look and strut off down the trail with my tail pointed straight up in the air.

When they finally scuffle down to the parking lot, I’m lying on the hood of the truck.

“Hi guys. How’s everybody doing?”

Hugo says, “Sweetheart, you gotta understand …”

“What do I have to understand, Hugo?” Meanwhile, Albert has got his front paws up on the hood, and he’s straining to give me a kiss on the face. But I’m just far enough back so he can’t.

All of a sudden, I get up and jump out towards Hugo so he has to catch me in his arms. I time it just right so I knock him over onto his back. Then I start slobbering him with my tongue. Albert’s just standing there watching so I yell between the slobbers, “Hey ya big lug, you want in on this, or what!”

Couple of minutes later a crowd of campers has formed a circle around the three of us and they’re all laughing and clapping. Then a park ranger pulls up next to this scene driving a jeep.

“Everything okay here, folks?”

Some old broad yells over, “The matinee is just about over, officer. But if you hurry, tickets are still available for the evening performance.”